The pursuit of perfection is never-ending. With each passing phase , the lines become blurry but the 'distinctions' become vivid. There are doors forever closed but there are windows forever askew. I guess it was embedded in my DNA to just keep trying.
Keep trying to innovate, to push the envelope and explore avenues that would break the mould.
Keep trying to connect, re-connect and forge new bonds based on memories and experiences and the love of a common thread that binds our past. When after 17 months, the decision was finally upon me to break away and tear fearlessly down an unknown path, I dug deep into the well of courage I've been blessed with. What I found gave me a restless peace. Restless only because the one consistent theme that refuses to die - is the one that screams 'I'm going to keep trying'. Throw your challenges, your antithesis, your pressures, your societal mores at me - I'll keep on and I'll keep trying.
The Asian sojourn (as I have aptly coined on fB) was an effort and a wonder in well planned deservedness. It was barely 10 days but felt like a mini lifetime of vast beaches, jet skis and an array of little jems like Bangsar and CBD and the bella vista and the insanity of PD going for a 7 km run after what can only be described as a marathon session of abuse at the hands of duty free inebriation in a tiny island town off the coast of Malaysia. It was about watching a new relationship blossom and the self indulgent smiles that reminded me of difficult times that lay ahead for 'them' and the barriers 'we' had crossed to reach where we are now.
Pure relief was the only emotion upon receiving that email which reminded me that there is perhaps some justice in a system that had me scared from the word go. It would cut short a vacation which turned out to be the best eventuality in any case. I returned on the 10th with anxiety on my head and hope in my heart that the ensuing conversation of the consequent morning would be to my 'advantage'. It was brilliant. Could I have asked for anything more? Probably not. Will this mean a victory? I actually dont' know. The thing with casual conversations is that the outcome isn't always what you expect it to be.
That done, we spent an entire day doing a post mortem of the questions, the answers, the expectations, the concerns and the potential decisions that lay ahead. Thanks GH for opening the comfort of a family setting that morning. The creators were together in a deserved time of reduced insomnia and warmth much missed. I think the knowledge of that togetherness has proven to be the strongest weapon in my armoury these past 2years of insane introspection and self imposed doubt. How I let that happen to me is ridiculous in hindsight. But hindsight is just that isn't it? Easy to look back in wonder. The moment is what defines us. In my moment(s) of truth , I know I met my fundamentals of righteousness and integrity square on - time after time. I cannot ask more of myself. The 'conversation' that would 'judge' my time proved it to be so. There was an ease of delivery and a sense of 'been there , done that' which pulled me through. In flying colors? Time will tell. Either which way, I know I'm a happy man.
The week of Diwali was a lot more than I had expected. Home alone, there were things to do and a transition to achieve. A quick transition at that. I'm glad I had a bit of time on my hands. Iron those kurtas, polish thoes peshawaris, hunt out the clean bank notes so that the teen patti could be enjoyed in the company of close friends and consequently - an extended family that I increasingly find comfortable in calling my own. It sounds strange when I type it. It sounds strange when I say it in my head. What's stranger is that its a fuzzy, warm alternative universe that I'm hugely excited about embracing. Perhaps this is what they were talking about. Perhaps this is how it's meant to be - the roadblocks, the valleys and pitfalls will continue to come and go, but the companionship of an unconditional partner is unparalleled in its awesomeness. We played together, laughed together and watched the temperature drop late into the evening on the soon to be hazy Delhi skyline. After 8 flights in 10 days, it was good to be home. I lit the candles on either side of the handsome door of our abode and excitedly laid the
gainde ka fool alongside floating diyas on the pathway. On another day, in another year, the festivities would have been marked in much grander a fashion. I however, could not ask for more. We forget what true wealth is. I looked around for someone to thank for my riches. You were all in my thoughts that night.
The new phase emerges like a phoenix of opportunity and I try once again to greet it wholeheartedly. There is excitement, there is a semblance of control. With control, comes responsibility. Ready as I'll ever be.