dc's advice column: V-day assassination
Dear dC,
So the big day is here! V-day babeeeahh yeah!. I can just hear the angels and harps playing in the background. Me and my boyfriend have been keeping quiet about the day because we don’t want to like ruin the surprise for each other but I have to tell you…eeeeeeeeeeeeee I am so excited! I got him this bug red heart (on sale from archies) with teddies and a little mug that says “worlds greatest boyfriend , from the worlds greatest girlfriend” isn’t that just adorable? I also wrote him a poem and sprayed some of my perfume on it so that he can remember it 4ever!!! …god its going to be so romantic. I’ve hinted at this new restaurant down at sector 32 which is supposed to be frightfully expensive but with stunning ambience and has only the most happening couples all the time. Being such a great lover yourself, I wanted to ask you…how should I react when he gets me some fabulously beautiful ring with chocolates etc (I have told him which ones I like). I could either just yelp for joy and give him a big hug and you know generally scream about for 20 mins :) Or I could softly look at the ring and get a tear in my eye and sniffle a bit just to show how emotional I’ve got. I want him to be really taken In by my surprise because that will just mean more gifts and more romantic time for me!!! ..so being a guy yourself, what kind of reaction would you like to see best after giving the best girlfriend in the world a beautiful valentines day?
-charmed in chandigarh
Dear charmed,
Wear your best lingerie and proceed to give him a ‘real valentines day gift’ Ain’t no straight dude gonna ask you to be the mother of his children with a crappy poem and a mug. Wizen up sister. V-day is a commercialized way In which to provide our still-backward countrys’ youth with an opportunity to secretly hold hands and express in the wimpiest way possible some semblence of attraction and desire. Everyday should be V-day If you’re really into the dude. You don’t need a stupid mark on the calendar to prove it.
I read letters like these and I wonder, how do you end up surviving school? If you went to my school you’d be dragged to the corner of the football field and have the living shit kicked out of you for being such a nerd. And that would just be the 8th grade girls…the older ones would have you gutted and splayed…
Anyway, my advice on your reaction ? take a gun and shoot him in the shin. Post this brilliant move, hand the weapon over to me and I shall do you the same honor. Medical science has to advance to the stage where doctors can pull a kid out like you and know that you shall be the very incarnate of ultimate stupidity 20 years later. They should know how to spot such sheer retardation. This is what is destroying our country, our planet. Screw global warming, someone send out a stupidity warning. We’re not thinning the ozone layer, we’re adding on to the bozone layer with fools like you. I hope your boyfriend buys you a heart shaped keychain with ‘luv’ spelt on both sides. Since when did the value of a gift get equated to the cost on the price tag?
Valentines’ day should be gods way of putting together the dumbest people on the planet and having them eradicated with one big laser beam. The laser beam would know exactly what to do because it would be embedded with a moron-tracking device.
Excuse me while I gag.
If any of you are thinking that these are words of an angst-filled ‘single’ and depressed dC because he doesn’t have someone special…..I have some advice for you too….
Step in line with the lazer people. Step in LINE with the lazer.
When it comes to love sister; the excitement is in the real glow, not the show. Go listen to some old foreigner and Fleetwood mac tracks. Put on some Aman Hayer while you’re at it and listen to a real Punjabi brother sing of the love that transcends materialistic bullshit. Become a person woman, become a person.
Hope this helps
-dC
and on a side note, thank you once again xkcd
So the big day is here! V-day babeeeahh yeah!. I can just hear the angels and harps playing in the background. Me and my boyfriend have been keeping quiet about the day because we don’t want to like ruin the surprise for each other but I have to tell you…eeeeeeeeeeeeee I am so excited! I got him this bug red heart (on sale from archies) with teddies and a little mug that says “worlds greatest boyfriend , from the worlds greatest girlfriend” isn’t that just adorable? I also wrote him a poem and sprayed some of my perfume on it so that he can remember it 4ever!!! …god its going to be so romantic. I’ve hinted at this new restaurant down at sector 32 which is supposed to be frightfully expensive but with stunning ambience and has only the most happening couples all the time. Being such a great lover yourself, I wanted to ask you…how should I react when he gets me some fabulously beautiful ring with chocolates etc (I have told him which ones I like). I could either just yelp for joy and give him a big hug and you know generally scream about for 20 mins :) Or I could softly look at the ring and get a tear in my eye and sniffle a bit just to show how emotional I’ve got. I want him to be really taken In by my surprise because that will just mean more gifts and more romantic time for me!!! ..so being a guy yourself, what kind of reaction would you like to see best after giving the best girlfriend in the world a beautiful valentines day?
-charmed in chandigarh
Dear charmed,
Wear your best lingerie and proceed to give him a ‘real valentines day gift’ Ain’t no straight dude gonna ask you to be the mother of his children with a crappy poem and a mug. Wizen up sister. V-day is a commercialized way In which to provide our still-backward countrys’ youth with an opportunity to secretly hold hands and express in the wimpiest way possible some semblence of attraction and desire. Everyday should be V-day If you’re really into the dude. You don’t need a stupid mark on the calendar to prove it.
I read letters like these and I wonder, how do you end up surviving school? If you went to my school you’d be dragged to the corner of the football field and have the living shit kicked out of you for being such a nerd. And that would just be the 8th grade girls…the older ones would have you gutted and splayed…
Anyway, my advice on your reaction ? take a gun and shoot him in the shin. Post this brilliant move, hand the weapon over to me and I shall do you the same honor. Medical science has to advance to the stage where doctors can pull a kid out like you and know that you shall be the very incarnate of ultimate stupidity 20 years later. They should know how to spot such sheer retardation. This is what is destroying our country, our planet. Screw global warming, someone send out a stupidity warning. We’re not thinning the ozone layer, we’re adding on to the bozone layer with fools like you. I hope your boyfriend buys you a heart shaped keychain with ‘luv’ spelt on both sides. Since when did the value of a gift get equated to the cost on the price tag?
Valentines’ day should be gods way of putting together the dumbest people on the planet and having them eradicated with one big laser beam. The laser beam would know exactly what to do because it would be embedded with a moron-tracking device.
Excuse me while I gag.
If any of you are thinking that these are words of an angst-filled ‘single’ and depressed dC because he doesn’t have someone special…..I have some advice for you too….
Step in line with the lazer people. Step in LINE with the lazer.
When it comes to love sister; the excitement is in the real glow, not the show. Go listen to some old foreigner and Fleetwood mac tracks. Put on some Aman Hayer while you’re at it and listen to a real Punjabi brother sing of the love that transcends materialistic bullshit. Become a person woman, become a person.
Hope this helps
-dC
and on a side note, thank you once again xkcd
so, as if it wasn't obvious already...im such a total fangirl!
Posted by
Namrata |
1:25 AM, February 15, 2007